*All names, except mine, have been changed*
It is February 14th, 1998 in Volney Elementary School. Today is Valentine’s Day, a day for love, and in my case, a day to hope for a miracle courtesy of Saint Valentine. I had watched Rebecca from far away for far too long. This year was going to be mine and I was going to have her as a girlfriend. True, I might not have know what it meant to be dating someone in elementary school, but the sense of having a partner in crime, especially the prettiest girl in the grade was something that got me thinking. My hormones were going crazy day after day and Rebecca was who I had in my heart.
Sure, we were only ten, we didn’t know what was going on, but when I was with her life was just the way it should be. I looked at her from across Mrs. D’s classroom and hoped to just catch a glance from her. I sat at the desk in the back corner of the room on the left side. We sat in alphabetic order and I was near the beginning. I was seated near the poster of a world map, where I was able to learn most of the countries in the world. From time to time I’d stare out into the center of the room and I’d see Rebecca. I’d smile like an idiot and turn back to my work. But to me she was something out of a fantasy world, shoulder length blond hair and dark brown eyes, my heart skipped a beat every time I thought about her coming near me and yet, I did nothing.
Then Valentine’s Day came. I had the great idea of buying her some chocolate and writing her a poem. Truly this gambit of love would win her affections. I knew it was a big risk that I could get embarrassed but when you are in love or even think you’re in love you’re willing to do stupid things. Just to have her hand brush across mine or even a hug was something I would have given my arm for. I had planned this move for some time and I knew that it would work. She wasn’t dating anyone in the school and I would appear with chocolate and lovesick poem in hand and sweep her off her feet and into my arms and heart.
I was standing outside the classroom when I got the idea; I would leave it in her locker and just initial my poem. She’d know who it was from without me risking embarrassment from my friends. I walked into the empty hallway, black tiles everywhere and no noise to be found. I walked to Rebecca’s locker. I had asked around to some of her friends what the combo for her lock was and fortunately her friend Laura gave it to me; 37-8-14. I quickly spun the dial around and heard that little click noise that let me know I was successful. Upon opening her blue locker and looked inside. It has the usual stuff you would have expected a 4th grader to have had. She had her pens, her pencils, all in a carrying case. Her backpack was there as was her lunch box. Haha! The lunchbox, that’s where I can put this. So I took the candy and the poem and left it in her locker. I had to wait until lunch around 11 am to see what she would think, and when we were on our way back to class she slipped the piece of paper I left for her in my locker. I couldn’t wait to get confirmation of my feelings so I immediately asked to go to the bathroom. Rebecca looked up at me and shot me a smile. Success was going to be mine!
I went back into the hallway and opened my locker. It was a little less well-kept than Rebecca’s. I had pencils and pens scattered about, books from the library and other assorted things. I moved my Power Rangers book bag until I saw the piece of paper. I saw my poem. It read:
“ Dear Rebecca it is true,
I really do love you.
From your long golden hair
To your heart breaking stare.
I ask you this on Valentine’s Day
Do you want to go out with me on Saturday?”
I was very proud of it, it conveyed emotion and left her open to respond. In all, it was a decent poem. Then I saw her response. “Ryan, I know you feel this way about me, but the feelings aren’t mutual, you are very smart, but you aren’t athletic or good looking like Jake or Will. Sorry, but thank you for the chocolate. ~Rebecca.”
I thought back to a few days before. I told my best friend Will that I had this plan to do this and he told me to go for it. After I all I had been raised on a culture where the girl who was out of the league of the guy pursuing them ending up with the nerd at the end. It works in the movies, so it had to work in real life, right?
It went like this, the guy watched the girl from afar and waited too long and she got snatched up by the total antithesis of the man who really wanted to date the female in question. Then, the guy would tell the girl that he loved her and she would respond with a “Oh, but I’m with him,” scenario, leading our misguided geek to prove his love through a grandiose event, then show her that she was right for him and they would get together and live happily ever after.
My mom, who helped me plan this, told me that people will take you or leave you no matter what you look like, it’s what’s on the inside that truly counts. So that’s what I focused on. I was a caring young 4th grader, the smartest kid in the school, regardless of grade and was helpful and kind to just about anyone. Sure, I wasn’t the fastest or the most handsome, but I was someone that people liked to be around. I was the fat friend, the kind of guy who always came up spades in these movies and I was looking to finally have my moment in the sun with my crazy scheme to win Rebecca.
All my scheme got me was a trip to the bathroom to cry. I sat on that white toilet looking at a beige wall and sobbed. How could have this happened, why wasn’t life unfolding in the way it should? I had done nothing wrong, I had followed the rules and the style to a t and yet I sat here alone and crying on a toilet in an elementary school. My heart felt heavy and I just continued to cry. After around 5 minutes I got up, ran my hands under the water, got water in my eyes, a trick to make it look like I hadn’t been crying, and went back to class.
I sat right back down and started working on my social studies work. Every once in a while I would start to look over toward Rebecca and I had to focus on something else in the room. I counted the dots in the white ceiling tiles, I looked at the pattern of the floor tiles, I noticed that we had 8 colored blocks big enough to sit on at the front of the room, for whatever reason. I read every note scribbled into my desk , I looked at my friend Will for some consoling, but I saw that he was too busy making eyes with Rebecca and it was then I knew what had happened.
I was outdone. I was proven to be a fool by a man who I had told of my plan and he outdid me. He took my plan and ideas and made them his own. What a great friend Will was. I got onto the Route 8 bus and went back home to tell my mom about the day.
I walked up my long dirt driveway and went up the snow covered steps into our white ranch house far off the road. My sister was tagging along, but she went into her room and started playing with her Barbie’s. I sat down with my mom and told her about my day. She said that she was sorry and I let out a yell that would have made someone thought she hit me before breaking into a tirade. “Sorry? You’re sorry? Sorry isn’t gonna cut it this time Mom! I did what you said would work; I did everything right but it failed! You lied to me Mom, you lied to me!”
It was then my mom told me something that still sends a shiver up my spine to this very day. She called me with that typical mom voice, “Ryan Michael Bergman, don’t you ever talk like that to me again, do you hear me? Now, here’s what you need to know about life, sometimes it doesn’t work out the way that you think it should. Sadly, we live in a world where being nice and good and smart just doesn’t cut it. First impressions are still very important and you need to know that. I’m sorry that this hasn’t worked out for you, but one day you are going to find someone who loves you for what you can bring them, and it will be someone who deserves you.” I guess it was only fair that on Valentine’s Day my mother gave me a little bit of tough love.
